The Journal
by Fire Lady Ursa
Summary: A journal written from Rei Kon's PoV. KaRei-ish. Most if not all entries written about Kai.
1. Intro and Entry 1

**(A/N A journal from Rei's Point of View. I may add some stuff from Kai later, but for the most part, this is my fun, semi-onesided KaRei. It will be updated as I feel like it, it may or may not receive as regular updates as my other stories, some weeks it might even be updated more.)**

Intro:

You won't read this Kai, or at least, I hope you won't, but I...I had to write it down. I had to get it out of my head, and since I can't tell you aloud, I thought I'd try and write out my thoughts. I won't try to make it poetic, I won't try and format it. I'm just going to write what's on my mind. Bits and pieces may be poems. But...for the most part I'm just trying to get my thoughts out on paper. It's impossible to contain them all, any more. I think about you too often, and It was time...

Entry 1:

You're so strong, or you try to be. You always push forward, and you pretend like you don't pay attention to what has happened in the past. You always try and find a way forward. And I admire that about you. But I wish...I wish you'd stop hiding the fact that something in the past has hurt you. Sometimes, I can see it in your eyes...and it hurts me...because, I know I can't help you until you're ready to reach out to me. And that's hard for me. I hate seeing the pain in your eyes, and having to pretend that I don't. Having to pretend that I'm as oblivious as Tyson, when I know that you know that I'm not. When I'm sure that you know that I can see the pain in your eyes. I hate it.

I smile for you, and you push on for the others. You'll carry us onward by sheer force of will. You can be really harsh sometimes, but at the same time, you know when a well placed – and covered – complement is better than a scolding. I admire that, too. Even if the other's don't realize it, I know you care about us, as your team if nothing else. If absolutely nothing else, you want us to be successful so that you can continue onward in your endeavors.

I wish I knew what happened in your past. I wish you would let me in. I wish...you'd let me be the strong one, for once. Sometimes...even you will need to lean on someone, Kai. I hope...I hope that you have someone you are willing to trust that much, even if it isn't me. And...I hope that you know you can trust me.

I'm doing it again...writing as if He will read this one day. Oh well...It doesn't hurt really. And it makes it easier...if I write like I'm trying to talk to him, I think...I'll let it keep going like that, and see what happens.


	2. Entry 2: Privacy, Tyson

**A/N: So, the parenthesis will be used to denote notes made by me to let you know the condition of the journals. Bold is for Author's notes, which will also usually be denoted with the typical 'A/N'. **

**I do not own beyblade. Don't sue me. The fact that I'm writing these fics on kinda indicates that I've accepted the fact that I don't own beyblade, no matter how much I wish I did. Heck. If I owned beyblade, the show would have ended with, at the very least, a very clear indicator that Kai and Rei were /actually/ a couple.**

(The kanji are smeared and sloppy, as if Rei's hand was shaking as he wrote. Gradually it smooths out to match the first entry.)

Entry Two:

I could strangle you, Tyson. I really could. I could kill you for what you said today. I still might. I can't believe you would DO that. It was messed up, what you said. Kai is our friend, our teammate. You don't outright insult teammates like that. Ever. There was no excuse for it. None what so ever. Especially when you were snooping in things that weren't yours to begin with.

Those were Kai's things, and it was none of your business, no matter how curious you were. That was wrong in and of itself. What you found while going through Kai's things was even less your business than the things themselves originally were. Then, you confronted him about the pills. Which, if you found under legitimate circumstances, I _might _have understood. The pills you found were a – fairly common – migraine medicine. What you went one to accuse Kai of was absolutely uncalled for.

And then, after confronting Kai and arguing with him for an hour or so, when he pushed you away because _you_ were in _his _face, you had the nerve to try and punch him. Then you got upset when he caught your hand in midair, and just about broke your wrist over it. You're lucky. Kai's got more restraint that I do, and far more than you give him credit for. Personally, I would have broken your arm for trying to hit me. Especially in those circumstances. I don't care if you thought you were in the right. You weren't. And even _you _ought to realize that, Tyson.

And another thing, Kai isn't a drug addict. If he was, you'd know it. So what if he had medicine you didn't know about. You aren't his mother, he doesn't have to answer you. And if it bothered you _that _much, you should have said something to Mr. Dickinson, not confronted Kai so violently in front of everyone. I'm sure there is a perfectly good reason for him to have the prescription, and Kai is Kai...he's going to hide things from us. It's just something you have to bite the bullet about.

You wonder why Kai barely tolerates your presence, but you seem to enjoy causing a scene with him regularly. You can't have it both ways. You can't expect him to be more tolerant and then deliberately do things that you know are going to make him angry. You have to give a little in order to get a little. You can't expect him to respect you if you refuse to do him the same courtesy.

Besides, he is your team captain. If you keep it up Tyson...I'm not sure how much longer you're going to be a blade breaker, if he has his say. You might think about that a little, Ty.


	3. Entry 3

**A/N: Enjoy the newest chapter/entry.**

**I don't own beyblade. End of Discussion.**

**Please R&R**

I smelled blood in the bathroom that Kai and I share, this morning when I awoke. Kai went to bed well after I did last night, and it scares me. The scent...I _know _it was blood, there is no question in my mind. It scares me a lot to think what might have happened last night. I mean...there are completely logical - safe answers for what happened, but then...there are also plenty of answers that I _should _be worried about.

More than that, Kai's wearing long sleeves today – it's like a billion degrees outside, too. He said he was cold, but I don't believe him, not one bit. And, the fact that he's lying about it makes me even more suspicious. After Tyson found the pills the other day, everything has just gone down hill. Kai got a letter yesterday, and his mood – which had started out decent – was shot. But, he wouldn't say anything about it. He wouldn't tell us what had upset him...and I guess we should have expected it, but still.

I worry about Kai. At this rate, I'm not sure I'll ever stop worrying about him. Every time I start to make progress with him, something happens, and we're reset to square one. I'd be content with being … decent friends with him, I think. If he would just give me some kind of trust, I'd be happy. I wouldn't push it, I wouldn't risk our friendship for my feelings. I just....I want him to trust me. I want to have that with him.

Lee said something strange to me, the other day. He said that sometimes Nekojin don't choose their mates, sometimes their mates choose them. And then, he gave me an odd look and walked off, before I could ask what he meant. It was strange, coming from him. It's been bugging me since he said it, really.

I wish that I knew what he was getting at. I think he knows that I have a crush on Kai, which...actually, in reflection makes it that much worse. If he really...

I don't know what to think. Between Kai's behavior, the blood smell in the bathroom, and Lee's comment. I'm at a loss. I can't say anything to Kai, because if I do, I'll probably only manage to upset him further. I'll probably try and ask about the letter, later today. Maybe, if he'll let me in about the letter, I can piece together what happened last night.

If...if I wake up to that smell again...I think I'll confront him about it. Or...ask. Or...something. While we're alone. I don't want Tyson and the others to think anything of it. If I said something in front of everyone, it would be a serious invasion of his privacy, maybe...maybe it'll go over better privately. Or not. But...I'd rather not be rebuffed in front of everyone, either, I guess. I'm a coward.

I'll pick this up later. I hear yelling down stairs.

(Later. The strokes are very stable and defined, as if Rei was intentionally stressing them, or trying very hard to remain calm.)

Definitely have to kill Tyson. No way around it. Absolutely no way around it. Maybe I should strangle him...or rip him limb from limb...or something colorful. He deserves it. End of story. Of course, I can _still _hear Kai ripping him a new one, so maybe by the time I'm ready to, he won't actually need it. But still. I would really like a piece of his hide to take out my frustrations on.

Apparently Tyson didn't learn from the first episode of snooping through Kai's stuff, that it is a bad idea. I figure this because, he went an did it again today. He found the letter. It was from Tala, apparently. There was some stuff about Voltaire in it, which is probably what upset Kai, though I don't know the details of it.

I did learn that Tyson is pretty homophobic. Which...come to think of it is probably why I'm so pissed at him. He's being awful about this. There are some things you just don't … I wouldn't expected that from Tyson. I … slapped him. And sort of left a bit of a claw mark on his cheek. Max picked up on why I was so upset, I think. I yelled some, too, before relinquishing my position to a – literally shaking – Kai. Max and Kenny are playing mediators, to keep Kai from killing him, though I called Lee to come by and help, after admitting that I'd be killing Tyson alongside Kai, if I could.

Now I'm locked up here in the room I share with Kai, listening to _him _scream at and argue with Tyson. Really, this is none of Tyson's business, if he'd been minding his own, he never would have learned that Kai was gay, and we wouldn't be having this problem right now.


	4. Entry 4

We had a tournament today. Kai hasn't said much at all to any of us, though he did eat, so I'm not sure what to think. Right now he's ignoring us all and practicing – even though we won. I think I liked it better when he forced us to train every second, at least then he couldn't ignore us. This is so frustrating – he won't let me near him.

There was no blood in the bathroom this morning, which is always a good sign but I just don't know any more. This is so tiring. Tyson's all but hiding under his bed though. I think Kai scared him yesterday. Which, I approve of. Tyson deserved it, but I'm not going there. Not again.

Max cornered me about Kai last night. I kind of grudgingly told him what was going on. Or at least...my part of what's going on. My feelings – that kind of thing. He seemed really understanding. Then he told me that he'd been crushing on Tyson – right up until his homophobic moment. I felt kind of bad for him, but he'll bounce back – I know he will.

I just wish I could read Kai a little better. His birthday's in a couple of days and I...I really wanted to do something, but I'm not sure if it's such a good idea now. I wish I had some idea how he would react to it...I'm afraid he'll be upset with me. I don't want to be the one to upset him. He's been upset quite enough lately. I wish I could know what I'll bring back by throwing some kind of mini party.


	5. Entry 5: Kai's Birthday

It's Kai's birthday. There was blood this morning – not just the scent but actually not-completely-cleaned up blood. It really scared me – I actually had to go stand in our door way and watch him sleep for a few minutes to prove to myself that he was still alive. I was really upset, but thankfully I was also the only one up, so I had time to re-balance myself before anyone saw me.

I cleaned up it. I'm going to confront him later this afternoon – I have to try and stop this before he gets hurt. I'm going to get red velvet cake in a bit – I know for a fact Kai likes it. That way we'll have his birthday cake here. Hopefully he'll cooperate enough for me to make was _he_ wants for dinner for a change. Probably not, but I can hope.

Today ought to be interesting, no?

-----

I got the cake and talked to Kai. Or rather, I talked for most of it. Kai didn't say much until the end – where he pretty much told me to shove my concern up my ass. That one stung – I've never been anything but a trustworthy, good friend to him. But … I guess he'll tell me when he is ready, or not at all. As long as he knows he _can _talk to me, I guess I'll just have to get over it, until he decides he wants to.

Kai's being totally intolerant about it, but we're doing a small birthday thing amongst the team. We all chipped in and bought this cool black choker with a silver phoenix pendant at the bottom. He won't tell me what he wants though. So...I'm going to wing it with dinner.


	6. Enty 6

Kai seemed to like the choker that Max, Kenny, and I bought him. It was nice – he sort of smiled. Dinner was a production – but that was because of Tyson. Things got kind of heated. But, Tyson finally backed down and went upstairs. I can't say that I was sorry to see him go. After that dinner was kind of nice. Max tried to get us all to play games, but Kai wasn't quite cooperative enough for that, which was fine. Max was a little disappointed, but still Kai'd already been pretty tolerant, all things considered, so we couldn't complain.

He cornered me, after the other's had gone to bed. He sort of … apologized. But not quite. It was strange. I was happy though, because it was progress. Apparently he did feel bad about snapping at me like that. I wish I could help him more, ya know? It's pretty obvious he's been hurt badly, but he won't let me anywhere near it. I still want to know what was in the letter that upset him so much.

I should probably get some sleep now – I have a feeling Kai's going to terrorize us in training tomorrow. It ought to be amusing.


	7. Entry 7

Kai's actually wearing the choker. It really surprised me when he put it on, but I'm happy. It looks amazing on him. He doesn't wear the scarf much anymore, which probably helps. Though, the black leather highlights just how pale Kai really is. The silver phoenix looks perfect nestled in the hollow of his throat. He seems pleased with it.

There was no blood in the bathroom this morning, either. It was a really nice change for me. I'm still really worried about him, but I can rest a little easier since last night was, apparently, an improvement.

Training was hell, since he wanted to make up for yesterday. It could have been a lot worse though. Tyson's been mostly civil today. We still gave him hell in training. He still acts too cocky. Drigger and I let him have it. It was rather satisfying, if I'm being totally honest. Kai seemed to enjoy watching me put Tyson in his place, but I could be wrong. Sometimes, I still can't read him well.

I hope things keep improving. It'll be nice to see him happy, even only occasionally. I really wish I could talk to him. Tell him what I feel...I just – I'm afraid. I'm scared that if I say something, I'll upset him. And I really don't want that.


	8. Enty 8

Kai left early this morning, I haven't seen him since. I think he said something about 'the boys' but I was still pretty out of it. It's almost two. We all did a little sparring earlier. At this point, we're all just kind of chilling out.

Max seems to think I should tell Kai how I feel. I'm not so sure but...I don't know. It feels like I should tell, but at the same time, I'm still really hesitant. I hope Kai calls soon...at least – I'm getting sort of worried. Usually he isn't gone quite this long at a time, without warning.

-------------------

Kai got home around six. He seemed a little surprised that I was anxious to see him home. I thought he seemed pretty drained. He ate dinner though. Quite a bit, actually...I don't think he'd eaten all day.

I sort of flipped out and hugged him. He was shocked, but not upset. At least, I didn't think he was upset. Actually, he kind of laughed and murmured something in Russian. It was hard to hear, but he said "Missed me, Tiger?" I don't think I was supposed to understand him, but I'm fairly certain he relized that I did understand.

He didn't say where he'd been. Which didn't surprise me at all. I'm just glad he's home safely now.


	9. Enty 9

We're into day four of no-cutting. I was ecstatic. I think Kai and the others are picking up on it. Kai doesn't _seem _to have picked up on why yet. I'm sure he will, soon, unless something happens. He might have though...sometimes it's hard to tell.

Lee cornered me yesterday. He pointedly asked when I was going to tell Kai. I was a bit upset at him, even though we were alone. I told him it was none of his business, but then felt bad about it. I didn't apologize though. I've asked him before to stay out of it. I know he is just looking out for me, but I don't need looking after. I need to sort this out.

This being my unreadable, sometimes reachable, oh-so-lovely team captain. Yeah, yeah, I know. He has a name. Actually he has three, Kai Alexander Hiwatari. Don't ask where I found his middle name. My sources are secure. _(Great, now I'm writing my journal like I have an audience)_Also known as the Russian Phoenix. Or asshole. Depending on who you ask and the day. [_A/N: The Kanji in this section are particularly fluid and decorative] _

I still don't know what to do. I know he's gay. But...I's hard. I can't just...well I could but...I wish I knew what was going on in his head, sometimes-just a glance-just enough to know if it is safe enough to try. The world just don't work that way though. If only it did.

I don't think my feelings are a passing thing. I've been analyzing them recently, and I think, if anything, they are getting stronger. I don't think they are going to go away, now or later for that matter. Which still leaves me at square one: what to do? It's my move, and I'm drawing a blank.

Skye: About the audience issue...if you don't want one, don't post your journal on the internet.

Rei: Kai doesn't come to sites like this-

Kai: I don't?

Rei: No you-Kai!? -scrambles to hide journal-

Hope you all liked the update, please review.


	10. Entry 10: Square One again?

Kai got a phone call last night. He was really worked up about it. I heard some yelling, in Russian. He cut again last night. I could smell it, heavy and metallic in the air this morning. Did I mention how much I hate the smell of blood? I want to ask him about the call. I'm worried about him.

_**[A/N **_**Later on]**

So, I asked. Amazingly enough, he gave me an answer. He argued with the Boys about going back to Russia. I don't quite understand how this equated to him cutting. I guess he edited the story some, which upsets me. It's a start though.

It bothers me because he was doing so much better, but now we're back at square one. Or at least, it seems like it.

I'm starting to think I should just corner him and tell him how I feel. It _can't _be that much worse than this.

**A/N I like this story a lot. It sort of fills in day to day stuff that can be fun to write. I've really enjoyed the way this story has progressed, as well as the challenge of presenting the entire thing from one point of view. I hope you are all still enjoying this story, and I want to thank everyone for their reviews.**

**Please R&R**

**Disclaimer: I do not own beyblade.**


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